Below, Zelana Montminy shares five key insights from her new book, Finding Focus: Own Your Attention in an Age of Distraction.
Zelana is a behavioral scientist who is pioneering a transformative approach to mental health and resilience. She ha…
Trust is the essence of collaboration: as Yuval Harari eloquently noted, we as a species would not exist if it weren’t for our superior ability to collaborate so effectively—and it’s largely down to trust.
In the days of our hunter-gatherer ancestors, decisions on trust were relatively straightforward, even when it came to appointing leaders. Indeed, our ancestors lived in small groups of closely related individuals and spent all of their time together. Furthermore, the key attributes they were interested in evaluating or judging were easy to observe: courage, practical knowledge, hunting and fishing dexterity, and physical strength. There was no need then for psychometric assessments, AI, or scientific tools to assess either leadership potential or integrity, and mistakes were extremely costly because if they picked the wrong leader the whole group would just vanish at the expense of better led rival groups.
But, fast-forward to our modern times, things are uncomfortably complex and hard for everyone. At work we must infer whether we can trust our colleagues, coworkers, and bosses, even when we never met them in person—they are, in physical terms, purely pixels on the screen of our Zoom calls. In politics voters are asked to pick between shrewd politicians who have mastered the art of deceit and manipulation and specialize in telling people what they want to hear, irrespective of their actual leadership capabilities. Unsurprisingly, the world is led by heads of states who enjoy dismal levels of popular approval, even when they rose to power with legitimate voter support. As I illustrate in my latest book, politicians are the ultimate example of the disconnect between our perceptions of leaders’ authenticity, and their actual honesty or genuineness.
And yet, there is still reason to be hopeful and no reason to give up. Fortunately, science provides serious lessons for improving our ability to trust the right person and minimize the risk that we end up trusting the wrong person. In fact, the science of trust includes hundreds of robust studies decoding the predictors or determinants of individual differences in trust, as well as practical learnings on how to infer them in the most objective, reliable, and risk-free way.
Here are five key lessons to consider:
1) Despite the complexity of trust inferences, people make trust evaluations and decisions in a fraction of a second: As Amos Trervsky and Daniel Kahneman put it, humans may be capable of thinking “slow” or rationally, yet most of the time we think “fast”, which is a euphemism for not thinking at all. Indeed, not only do we make rapid, careless, and furiously fast inferences of other people’s character traits, we are also overconfident about the accuracy of our inferences, and stubbornly wedded to them to the point that no amount of evidence will change our mind. This may be the best explanation for why no amount of facts or evidence may change voters’ preferences even after its blatantly obvious that they chose poorly (not least because they themselves are disadvantaged by their own choices). The solution? Well, we must learn to distrust our instincts and refrain from following our gut feeling. It is only through gathering reliable and predictive data, and following the facts, that we can hope to focus on substance rather than style. This is particularly important when we are assessing potential candidates for leadership roles, whether it’s the president of a country or a senior leader in a firm.
2) Leaders who are “just being themselves” ought not to be trusted: As I illustrate in my latest book, there is a paradoxical relationship between how authentic we feel and how authentic other people think we are. In particular, behaving without any pressures to conform and displaying your uninhibited and uncensored thoughts and feelings to others will feel authentic to you while polarizing, alienating, and annoying others (it is, alas, what powerful and entitled leaders do when they stop caring about how others see them). In contrast, the leaders who are seen as not just trustworthy, but also competent by others, know how to manage their reputation, engage in strategic impression management, and go to great lengths to show only the best version of themselves—that is, the elements of their character and identity that align with the situational demands. In other words, they know where the right to be themselves ends and their obligation to others begins. This is why empathy, self-control, conscientiousness, agreeableness, and EQ are far better predictors of leadership integrity and performance than self-perceived authenticity is.
3) Charisma is a dangerous signal. Although charisma is a clear enabler of effective leadership, not least because it helps people to emerge as leaders, it can also help leaders to mask their incompetence or unethical motives. In that sense, you can think of charisma as an amplifier: when leaders are honest and competent, it will help them in their quest to turn a group of people into a high-performing team; but when they are dishonest or incompetent (or even worse, both), their charisma will turn them into pretty harmful, destructive, and toxic creatures. Since charisma is often conflated with trustworthiness—we like and admire people who seem charismatic and therefore gravitate towards them, including when it comes to trusting them—it would be useful to resist the allure of charisma when we infer integrity or competence in leaders. Quiet, low key, serious, and intelligent people make excellent leaders even if they don’t seem entertaining. Charismatic, charming, entertaining, and attention-seeking leaders may use their social skills to manipulate, influence, and seduce, especially when they have psychopathic, narcissistic, or Machiavellian tendencies.
4) Our ability to trust is significantly reduced under stress, anxiety, or pressure. This is obviously a huge problem, since in these instances it is usually imperative to trust the right person. In other words, the more we need to trust people, the more vulnerable we are to trusting the wrong person. The lesson here is obvious: don’t make trust-related decisions when your emotions are clouding your judgment; first relax, breathe, look for the right moment and the right mental zone, then try to think rationally.
5) Some people are naturally more trusting than others: this depends not just on their personality, but also the culture in which they grew up. Paradoxically, prosocial and healthy cultures are more likely to engender trust, since free riders and imposters are less likely to emerge—but this also makes those cultures more vulnerable and susceptible to such toxic agents. In contrast, corrupt, antisocial, and failed cultures will have low levels of trust, since everybody is rightly paranoid of being cheated or deceived by others. However, this will make it impossible to cooperate and collaborate in such cultures, which further contributes to their downfall. At the individual level, it is helpful to understand whether your bias is too much trust or too much skepticism, so you can always recalibrate or adjust your impressions towards a more objective center point.
In the end, trust remains the ultimate leadership currency: hard to earn, easy to lose, and impossible to fake for long. Titles, charisma, or confidence may help leaders gain followers, but only integrity, a reputational accolade that must be gained through long-term actions rather than short-term impressions, keeps them there (unless they decide to keep themselves there through excessive force, power, or unlawful means). In an age where image routinely outpaces substance, the most trustworthy leaders will be those who act as if someone were always watching; not because they fear being caught, but because they don’t need to hide.
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I will never forget the day I realized how rare it is to see businesses support parents—or what a huge impact even the tiniest efforts can make.
“We’re just going to run into the store for a few quick things!” I called to my two kids with confidence as I unloaded them from the car, skipping the bulky stroller and putting my 1-year-old in the shopping cart seat.
But what should have been a simple trip took a turn when we unexpectedly needed to visit the restroom. As any mom knows, this is where things can start to unravel: You can’t take the cart inside, so what are you supposed to do with your not-yet-walking child while you help the bigger one use the toilet? And how are you supposed to use the toilet yourself while also holding a squirmy baby?
I opened the door and braced myself for the chaos that would certainly come—so when I stepped into a large stall and saw a strap-in “baby holder” attached to the wall, I could have wept with relief.
Then, the appreciation rolled in: These wall-mounted baby safety seats are a game changer for parents who are tasked with taking kids to the restroom.
But then I was hit with confusion: Why are simple considerations like this one so rare to see? Why am I so impressed with what should really be considered the bare minimum when it comes to supporting parents in public places?
Since then—during countless visits to kid-friendly spaces like the zoo, the pediatrician’s office, department stores, and public parks—I’ve always noticed and questioned how businesses support (or don’t support) parents. (You know what would make life unbelievably easier for parents? A $15 step stool so kids can reach the sink to wash their hands. I think about this almost every day.)
Appealing to parents isn’t just a do-good strategy, either—it’s good business.
“Gen alpha—born between 2010 and 2025—is on track to be the biggest generation ever in history,” says Lauren Smith Brody, founder of The Fifth Trimester, a business strategy firm focused on moms. “So anything retailers and public spaces can do to welcome that generation now will only build brand loyalty that will pay off later.”
Kid-friendly policies and spaces signal a friendly, inclusive, thoughtful culture overall, she says. “The step-stool in the bathroom and the animatronic ear of corn [at Stew Leonard’s, a grocery chain in the northeast] attracts and retains parents as customers, but they also signal to everyone: Humanity is valued here; joy and ease are a part of this experience.” Numerous studies indicate that Gen Z and younger millennials are also values-driven in their shopping.
Recently, we asked our audience what considerations they’d like to see businesses make to better appeal to parents—and hundreds of moms weighed in.
What did we learn? One: Prioritizing parents isn’t unheard of; some industries and places are already getting it right. And two: The most common requests from parents and caregivers are mostly minor, reasonable, and would go a long way for families and businesses. Here’s a look at what categories are getting things right—and how businesses can improve their family-friendly policies.
Hotels have long catered to families—and are doing even more today
Many hotels offer smart amenities to make life a little easier for parents—including complimentary kids’ gear, babysitting services, and much more.
The Four Seasons, in particular, has long been known to cater to families. The Philadelphia and Baltimore properties will provide you with a Baby Brezza bottle washer, bottle dryer, breastmilk & formula warmer, and more. The Four Seasons Hotel Boston features a kids’ toy closet located behind the check-in desk for little ones to explore while caregivers check in and out. “This allowed us a few moments to get everything sorted, and the kids were in heaven,” said Cassie Shortsleeve, a mom of three in Boston (and a co-founder of Two Truths). In Orlando, you don’t need to worry about packing swim diapers (they’re provided), and you can request items to childproof a room.
Properties like Carmel Valley Ranch (see: the ‘Munchin Menu’) and Wequassett Resort & Golf Club also have partnerships with major children’s brands, such as Nuna and Maxi-Cosi, to borrow or rent gear like strollers, playards, baby carriers, and more.
Some shopping destinations have become more family-friendly
IKEA was a big winner among our responses. “They have that Scandinavian family-friendliness,” says Marissa Lanterman, a mom of one in Baltimore. “Family parking, cart and stroller accessibility, high chairs in all eating areas, changing tables in bathrooms, step stools for kids at sinks, comfy baby care rooms, Småland…you really can’t beat it.”
For new moms in particular, Nordstrom was a standout shopping destination mentioned multiple times—mostly for its family restrooms and clean, comfortable lactation lounges with couches and sinks.
Another favorite: Wegman’s. “They have built-in stepping stools in the bathroom at the sinks, a baby holder in the stalls so you can use the toilet in peace, a wall of every size diaper available for free if needed, and little car carts to keep toddlers occupied while shopping,” says Sara Creary, a mom of one in Pittsford, NY.
Many eateries keep kids in mind
One (potentially surprising) space that many moms praised? Breweries. “Our local brewery is like our own little Europe—a public space for play and relaxation for kids and adults alike,” says Lily Dunlop, a mom of two in Seattle.
Kelsey Glynn, a mom of three, says her favorite brewery even brings out complimentary kid snacks: “At BJ’s Restaurant & Brewhouse here in Arizona, they immediately serve a plate of fruit and Goldfish to help manage kids’ hunger before their food arrives at the table.”
“A coffee shop I went to had a kids’ corner with a play kitchen and espresso machine,” says Christa Ursini, a mom of one in South Salem, NY. “It was magic—parents could enjoy their coffee while their kids played.”
Public spaces can be kid-friendly
It’s not just specific businesses that cater to kids and families, but public places more generally, as well.
Some popular family travel destinations are full of family-friendly spots, but also put families first when it comes to strategic planning and development: Newport, RI, for one, is dotted with parks and playgrounds throughout and in between more formal “stops” like an aquarium or an old-school arcade that may be on an itinerary.
To that point, moms we spoke to highlighted that public places that attract kids, such as playgrounds and parks, should have some key components: water fountains, bathrooms, shade, and fencing—all critical aspects for parents that can make or break the decision of where to spend your time.
Pop-up lactation pods—such as Mamava—are another great feature for businesses of all sizes, but especially handy in spaces like airports, zoos, and amusement parks.
There’s more to be done: Here’s what parents want
When we asked our audience how businesses could improve for parents, we were struck by the similarity between responses—with many requests, especially very basic ones, appearing again and again. Here are the main takeaways.
In bathrooms:
- Baby changing tables in both the women’s and men’s rooms, ideally located within a stall for privacy. (“It’s really jarring to go to a restaurant that has high chairs and crayons at the table, but not a single baby changing table in any bathroom,” one mom told us. “Am I supposed to put my baby on the floor?”)
- Lower sinks or step stools that allow small kids to wash their hands
- Paper towels as an alternative to loud hand dryers (which many kids are afraid of or sensitive to)
- Bag hooks and/or shelves near sinks and changing stations
Within dining establishments:
- Disposable table covers so kids can eat off a sanitary surface
- High chairs and booster seats that are—and this is important!—kept clean
- Food-safe wipes available for parents to clean tables and high chairs as needed
- Stainless steel kid-sized cutlery
- Kids’ cups with lids
- Disposable bibs
- Activities for kids—from basic (crayons and coloring sheets) to bonus (toy basket, Magnatiles, books, etc.)
- Healthier, lighter kids’ menu options (fruit, cheese, crackers, nuts, veggies & dip, etc.)
- Outdoor play areas (when space allows) are huge bonus that many parents will seek out
In stores:
- Aisles that are wide enough to accommodate strollers
- Increase curbside pick-up options
- More parking spots reserved for families (either near the door or near the cart return)
- Simple treats that make kids excited to visit (like stickers, a la Trader Joe’s)
In a society that is woefully lacking systemic support for parents and often unconducive to kids, businesses have a powerful opportunity to step up and set new standards that show families they are seen, appreciated, and valued. “Any business that goes the extra mile for parents really stands out, driving word of mouth and customer loyalty,” says Brody. “And any public space that makes parents feel good about the love and work they’re pouring into their kids is going to win that business in a big way.”
