When Clara came to me, she was exhausted, confused, and, for the first time in her career, starting to feel she was losing her ability to lead effectively.
That morning, her boss had done the same thing he’d been doing every week for the past seven months. He had once again changed his thinking on the direction she and her team should be moving. Not two days earlier, she had left a one-on-one with him feeling confident about what he was asking for, and she had communicated the pivot to her team. Now, suddenly, in a meeting with the rest of the leadership team, he announced a radically different concept from what they had already decided.
This was typical of him, and deeply destabilizing for her. Each time it happened, she felt at a loss for what to do. Pushing back in the meeting felt way too vulnerable, and he didn’t seem to be hearing her concerns in their one-on-ones. It was exhausting and overwhelming, and she was not the only one feeling it. Her team was increasingly short with each other, mistakes were being made more frequently, and there was a sense at all levels that people were feeling disconnected and poorly equipped to do their best work.
What Clara was describing is a painfully frequent experience at every level of organizations operating in fast-paced market environments: a boss who seems to be constantly changing their mind about what they want and totally unaware of why others are so frustrated and seemingly unable to deliver.
A problem of perspective
The problem is not that Clara’s boss is unfocused or inconsistent. What’s actually going on stems from a clash of perspectives and priorities that are based on different beliefs or experiences. A lack of mutual understanding has translated into a basic communication pattern that everyone on the team—whether they know it or not—is contributing to.
On the one hand is the boss, who is operating from the perspective that creativity and quick thinking are necessary for tackling emergent problems and opportunities. On the other hand, Clara and her team are operating from a belief that their job is to execute on the leader’s vision without “slowing things down.” Likely, they are also worried that asking too many questions will make them seem less competent, while offering pushback might risk their good standing with their boss.
In other words, the team is reacting to whatever decision the boss arrives with that day—just trying to keep up without rocking the boat. The result is what’s known as “courteous compliance”: saying yes when they really mean no. Unfortunately, this only reaffirms the boss’s assumption that there’s no problem—other than the team’s ability to execute fast enough.
But here’s the truth: When your boss keeps changing direction, just trying to keep up will never yield a better outcome. It will only get you more of the same, and the frustration and confusion will simply multiply over time. In fact, the downstream effects of both the frustration and the confusion result in slower and less effective work—exactly what everyone wants to avoid.
Step into the tension
The most effective thing you can do to break the pattern is not to “manage up” and find a way to tell the boss they’re demoralizing the team. Rather, it’s to step into the tension that emerges when they change direction and start building understanding, no matter how uncomfortable it might feel to do so. It’s time to commit to a conversation built on inquiry and curiosity, regardless of how frustrated you feel. I call this “staying with it,” and it’s a key part of the framework I use to help leaders transform tension into a superpower of group process.
The goal is to understand what’s motivating the change and discuss expectations rather than jumping quickly to action.
Now, your stomach might be churning knowing that there’s a lot at stake and your boss doesn’t react well to questions that seem to slow things down. But if you’re willing to step into this tension knowing that clarity now will enable you to deliver on their expectations more strategically and swiftly later, you will be supercharging your team’s process and taking the first key step to transforming a stuck pattern that’s not serving anyone’s best interests.
When you opt to “stay with it” when your boss suddenly changes directions, there are three priorities to keep in mind. Here, I’ll introduce them to you with some strategic questions and phrases you can rely on to get the conversation started:
1. Reveal the thinking
The objective is to ask questions that uncover the thinking behind the change. The goal is understanding, not course correction. Try asking:
- What are we trying to achieve?
- What has changed?
- What might we be missing?
- How are you thinking about this differently?
2. Look for alignment
The objective here is to acknowledge where your goals or priorities intersect. This disrupts adversarial communication patterns and affirms where everyone is coming from.
- I share your goal of . . . [staying ahead of the market, elevating customer experience, the need for speed, an emphasis on innovation, maintaining a tight budget, etc.]
3. Clarify the impact and expectations
The objective here is to share what you notice about the impact. You might say:
- I’m noticing this will (or may) have an impact on … [the schedule, current assignments, work in progress, etc.]
- I have a concern about… [impact on the team, customers, cost, etc.]
Then offer alternatives or negotiate boundaries. You might say:
- We could meet the new deadline by ___, but that will require us to push out ____ to a later date. Which takes priority?
The goal of “staying with it” is to dig deeper to what’s guiding the change in order to move forward from a place of greater understanding and clarity. Skillfully navigating the tension of these change moments will not necessarily shift your boss’s pattern of making changes frequently, but it will fundamentally alter the outcome of them for you, your team, and even your boss.
Rather than being repeatedly hit by waves and unable to catch your breath, cultivate your ability to navigate the tension of changing directives through the power of open inquiry and goals-based alignment. With key phrasing designed to deepen understanding rather than create friction, you will feel more empowered to lead through change and help your team deliver with clarity, speed, and quality.
