Opinions about resilience are like belly buttons—everyone has one. But whatever your view, there’s no denying we live in unprecedented times that require the best of us, which includes courage, clarity, compassion, and creativity.
Despite thousands of self-help products, prescription drugs, and over 500 different psychological therapies, people are struggling more than ever. In my State of Mind study, nearly half of adults say they feel stressed or anxious always or most of the time. Two-thirds say they always overthink and ruminate, and just under half say they often feel overwhelmed by situations at work or at home.
I wanted to understand what we are missing. My search led me to some deep-rooted myths.
You need to build it
The idea that resilience needs to be built, implies that it’s a skill that requires effort and development. But when individuals and communities are faced with war or natural disasters, we don’t have to practice how to respond. In the moment, we naturally rally, support each other, and act despite feeling scared.
During COVID-19, remember how those around you got super creative and found solutions to many problems? We witnessed how fast people could mobilize and change how they worked and lived.
What if we don’t have to build resilience in ourselves or each other? What if we just need to reveal what’s already inside? And as leaders and change-makers, this is a far simpler proposition. The problem is that we tend to overlook the power of subtraction. For example, in software development, adding new features can seem like progress but often leads to bloated and complex products. Stripping back to the essentials is often the answer.
In our mental life, we reach for more information, strategies, and tools to feel less anxious, calmer, confident, etc. But it’s not working and that’s because true resilience is not about more of anything.
I’ve realized through decades of hands-on work and study that removing mental noise allows us to experience the resilient qualities we are born with. And this noise comes in the form of false beliefs and ideas about our mental life.
It’s genetic
It’s often assumed that resilience is in our DNA, like blue eyes or curly hair. If true, this would mean that your potential for thriving is pre-determined or limited. But being adaptable, wise, and creative is woven into the fabric of life itself. There is no resilience gene. There is no courage quotient. Even the idea of a resilient person is untrue because resilience is a universal, spiritual quality in all of nature, not a personal human trait for the lucky few.
We do inherit genes but don’t inherit how they get expressed. That part is determined by how we use our minds. Our beliefs about how reality works create our moment-to-moment perceptions which shapes what we perceive, how we feel, and how we act.
Consider when you were surprised at how well you dealt with a situation. Or those moments when you witnessed someone else overcome enormous challenges when all the odds were stacked against them.
Like the sun behind a cloud, our capacity to thrive is always here, even when we think we have nothing left in the tank.
You must hide emotions
We get taught that resilience means managing and hiding our emotions, and not showing vulnerability. This is based on the outdated notion that sharing feelings is a weakness. But the most powerful demonstrations of courage often involve being honest and raw.
Think about some times in your life when sharing your true feelings, despite feeling uncomfortable, was beneficial and even transformational in some way.
Our tendency to gloss over the painful stuff with unwarranted optimism stops us from being honest and facing hard truths. In essence, toxic positivity is a safety strategy. For example, we try to make others feel better so that we can feel more comfortable with their upset, grief, or anger. But in doing so, we might innocently negate people’s thoughts and feelings and impact their motivation, productivity, and relationships.
Radical resilience means courageously confronting reality rather than deluding ourselves and creating more pain or suffering down the road. We can handle the truth and when we understand the reality of a situation—however hard it might seem—we are more equipped and empowered to respond effectively.
Emotions don’t need to be fixed or feared. Our feelings make us human. It’s the nudge of conscience that makes you say sorry. It’s the pull on our hearts when we see someone suffering. So rather than push them away, we can learn to understand and honor emotions and treat them as gifts.
Most importantly, how you feel at any moment says nothing about how resilient you are and what you’re capable of.
Knowledge equals resilience
When we equate knowledge and certainty with being resilient, it leads us to over-extend ourselves, trying to understand or manage everything because we think it will reduce our insecurities. And this relentless quest often leads to burnout.
How often have you tried to plan for every possible scenario just to feel in control or fully equipped?
We cannot know what thoughts will arise in the next moment, only that we will think and feel something. That’s the part we can rely on. Acknowledging how much we do not and cannot know, opens the door to curiosity and wondering. We become more flexible in our thinking which creates new possibilities.
And when you stop trying to second guess every moment, it removes unnecessary noise from your mind. This means you can hear and respond without being attached to what you think, knowing that new thoughts can arise at any moment. This deepens our connection with others and makes space for what we haven’t yet thought.
Resilience is not about knowing everything or having all the answers because we can’t. It’s about asking the right questions and being present to the flow of insight we are always connected to.
Adversity has a linear path
When we face difficult or dangerous situations, it’s commonly assumed that distress or even depression is inevitable. Yet hundreds of studies researching how people respond to adverse life experiences, show us that events cannot directly dictate our emotional state.
Instead, our perceptions are constantly shaping how we experience life. When people suffer deep loss, it’s assumed they will go through a particular set of emotions based on a model of how grief is meant to work. But models are made up. While they may be helpful, they are not true.
The inside-out psychology makes sense of the huge range of responses we see in the same situations. Thought is the author of experience.
How many times have you found new meaning and purpose in setbacks? How many times has adversity led to learning, growth, and positive shifts in your life?
Life Is happening to you
We often feel that we’re at the mercy of life or that past traumas and future possibilities can define who and how we are in the present. This undermines our agency and steals our peace of mind.
Children who grow up in abusive homes are not destined to be broken or unable to flourish. Many of us live through devastating events and go on to experience joy and flourishing.
We are not passive victims of life. We are active creators and narrators shaping our lives from the inside out. And we get to use our minds to create the world we want to live in, whether in our workplaces, homes, or wider society.
Resilience is not a stiff upper lip, forced optimism, wishful thinking, or putting a positive spin on things. It’s not something you have to practice or build. It’s not mental toughness or control. It’s not avoiding, denying, or fixing your feelings. It’s not a personal accomplishment.
Resilience is pre-existing, unconditional, unbreakable wholeness. It’s love. And it’s your true nature.
