I hate when a stranger invades my personal space. Like the person who takes up the armrest on an airplane. Or the concertgoer who dances her way into the area around my seat. This pet peeve usually causes me to focus on my irritation for the entire flight or show, instead of relaxing and enjoying the day.
Like me, you probably have a pet peeve or two. While they’re common, there’s a compelling reason called the “heliotropic effect” that should encourage you to get rid of them, says Harry D. Cohen, author of Be the Sun, Not the Salt.
“The heliotropic effect is the tendency for all living organisms to be drawn to energy, which sustains life,” he says. “It’s why a plant tilts toward the sun. A professor from the University of Michigan’s Ross Business School did some research on why organizations are more effective, and it turns out they have a higher number of positive energizers in their leadership roles. It’s a person who’s heliotropic, and they make people feel great.”
Pet peeves stand in your way of being heliotropic, says Cohen. When you keep your pet peeves around, you feed and groom them and nurse your irritation. You pour salt on your roots, as well as someone else’s, instead of letting in the sun.
Why We Have Pet Peeves
Pet peeves can come from a variety of places, conscious and unconscious. According to Cohen, some are emotional habits we picked up over the years but didn’t examine.
“We don’t stare them down because there’s a kernel of truth in our irritation or frustration,” he says. “There’s some reason for justified annoyance, so we only focus on that part. We cop a holier-than-thou attitude.”
Pet peeves are often formed from a deep, innate sense of justice. Cohen says they’re transgressions that we feel are inappropriate that need to be corrected.
“We’re all sensitive to injustice, such as when somebody cuts in line or is rude to someone,” he says. “There’s a natural human impulse to protect the weak. We want to right that wrong.”
Social media can make pet peeves worse by stoking them. “I think the dominant culture supports being annoyed and irritated,” says Cohen. “It’s ‘harrumph beliefs,’ such as ‘I can’t believe she did that’ or ‘I can’t believe he said that.’”
What To Do Instead
To be heliotropic, you must feed the part of yourself that isn’t made miserable by life’s little hassles. When you feel a pet peeve bubble up, Cohen says it’s a chance to go inward.
“Ask yourself, ‘What am I getting irritated about? Why is this bothering me?’” he says. “Even if you love your pet peeves, you don’t have to respond with irritation. You can take a different attitude to correct the issue.”
Holding on to pet peeves is almost guaranteed to be ineffective or unhelpful. Instead, consider what would be the most effective way to respond. For example, you could assume positive intent and learn to cut people some slack. You could politely ask the person stop their behavior. Or you could simply walk away.
“Nobody’s perfect,” says Cohen. “Having healthy relationships means holding the door or holding your tongue. Both are good. Even if you’re justified in your annoyance, you’re going to exude some kind of negativity on them, and it’s not going to be productive. All we do when we hold on to pet peeves is give ourselves reasons to be pissed and disappointed and frustrated and irritated.”
Why You Should Let Go
Releasing your pet peeves allows you to do better in your own life. We all have moments when we drop the ball, make a mistake, or don’t follow through on a commitment. Your action may be someone else’s pet peeve. When you sense that you irritated someone or let them down, ask yourself, “Can I do better?” suggests Cohen.
“The thing about pet peeves is that a simple apology often clears up the situation,” he says. “If you were late to a meeting, for example, immediately owning it demonstrates to the other person that you value your time and recognize your won misstep. Then make every effort to not let it happen again.”
While letting go of your pet peeves benefits the target of your annoyance, it primarily helps you.
“Holding on to our pet peeves just makes you and the people around you more stressed,” says Cohen. “If you can let it go, your face relaxes, your body relaxes, and you have less cortisol flowing through your bloodstream. You feel better and the people around you feel better, too.”
