If I had a dollar for every comparison I’ve heard between job searching and dating, I’d never have to worry about the contents of a severance package ever again. Yet I can’t help but make one myself: Getting laid off is a lot like getting dumped. Whether you saw it coming or not, one day you’re all wrapped up in the goings on at work, and the next, you’re cut off from the organization—and the people—that shaped your every day.
Your colleagues didn’t break up with you, though, your company did. After experiencing such a haze of emotions, it’s important to figure out a way to stay in touch with your former coworkers.
But who should you reach out to—and how? Is it weird or unhealthy to talk about the company? What’s the best way to transition a coworker to friend, mentor, or professional contact?
Notice the stories you’re telling yourself
We often expect others to initiate, says Dr. Miriam Kirmayer, a clinical psychologist, friendship expert, and keynote speaker on social connection. And if they don’t reach out or follow up, we tend to interpret that in ways that add to our sense of discomfort and disconnect: They never cared about me . . . They’re glad I’m gone . . . I did something terribly wrong . . .
Notice what stories you’re telling yourself and invite in new ones, Kirmayer says. Putting yourself in their shoes can help. “What we are interpreting as a personal rejection, somebody else might actually be experiencing as a certain level of thoughtfulness,” Kirmayer says. “Let me give them their space to grieve, to be, to process. And maybe then I will reach out or they will reach out when they are ready.”
Think about times you haven’t contacted someone, says career and leadership coach Phoebe Gavin. “Did your lack of spontaneous outreach mean that you didn’t care about them; don’t like them; don’t care about what’s going on with them; didn’t wish them well; didn’t want them to move on positively in their careers? Or did it mean that you are a busy person?” she says.
As all-consuming as a layoff feels, Gavin says, the world doesn’t revolve around you. That mindset will only prevent you from taking actions that’ll help you logistically, professionally, and emotionally.
Consider who you want to keep in touch with.
When you leave a job for any reason, there are people you hope to be friends with, others you want to stay in touch with as mentors or professional contacts, and some you are just fine leaving behind.
“Very often—and this happens especially in the workplace—we are in relationships that are rooted in duty or obligation,” Kirmayer says. But once we leave, “we aren’t necessarily subject to those same rules or expectations.”
Now you can ask yourself: Who do I want to stay in touch with?
“Part of what makes friendships so unique and valuable and just powerful is the fact they are voluntary—that we choose who we are friends with [and] our friends choose us,” Kirmayer says. Don’t be afraid to lean into that power of choice as you figure out who you hope to keep in your life.
Don’t be afraid to initiate (whenever you’re ready)
Don’t overthink it, Gavin says. “You already did the work of building the relationship while you were working together,” she explains. “They know you’re good at your job. They know that you are deserving of opportunities.” So if you need their help or support, just ask. “Even if many years have passed, if you made a good impression, if you were a good coworker,” she says, “those memories are still in the memory banks.”
There’s no expiration date on telling someone how much you loved working with them or on getting in touch to pursue a friendship, mentorship, or other professional relationship, Kirmayer says. And you can be transparent about it, she says. Try: “I’ve missed connecting with you. Would you be open to going for coffee?”
Shift the focus
With many colleagues, the vast majority of your relationships happen at and about work. One day you’re chatting all the time and in the loop on the same projects and office tea, and then suddenly you’re shut out of meetings, Slack, and the communal kitchen.
In the early days after any departure, your conversations might default to the balance of topics you’re used to, Gavin says, keeping with the pattern “where you spent 80% of your time talking about work, whether it was actual work tasks or work gossip. And then 20% about like, Oh, how’s your dog? I’m getting married. My favorite color is blue.” That’s natural to start, but try to shift that ratio over time.
Meet up away from the office for coffee or a walk, do a new activity together, or otherwise expand your shared context, Kirmayer says.
And pay attention to how you feel when talk comes back to your company, she says. Do these conversations make you feel better and more supported? Or do they leave you upset and anxious? Tune into what those feelings are telling you and adjust accordingly.
Address the elephant(s) in the room
If you’re struggling or feeling insecure, that’s okay, and you can say so. Layoffs are inherently bizarre, says Emma Seppälä, a lecturer at the Yale School of Management and author of The Happiness Track. “It goes against all tenets of emotional intelligence. And so that’s why everybody’s left feeling awkward and stranded,” she says. Acknowledging the elephant in the room “creates relief for everyone.”
You may want to keep talking about work, if only to stay connected to people and maintain relationships that were so rooted in an organization you’re no longer part of. But that may not be possible or comfortable for people who are still working there.
“Having an explicit, transparent conversation can actually be quite beneficial, even if it’s uncomfortable,” Kirmayer says. Try something like: “I’m curious to ask you about how work is going, but I also recognize that you might not feel comfortable talking about that. What are your thoughts? How do you want to handle this in our connection moving forward?”
Remember relationships are fluid
It’s unlikely you’ll keep in touch with every former colleague, all the time, from now until forever. “It is normal and natural for people to stay in our lives for a period of time for a particular purpose, and then depart,” Gavin says. “With our former coworkers, some of them may fade into the background,” she says. “Then there might be others that get to have a new life.”
And that might shift and change over time. Remember that your colleagues continue to have obligations at your former company that are tied to their livelihoods. A manager, in particular, might be responsible for redistributing workloads, assuaging anxiety, and hitting goals during a chaotic time.
“Even if we maintain a connection that might be a little bit more distanced than we would hope,” Kirmayer says, “that doesn’t mean that we won’t be able to find our way back to each other later on.”
