Any parent who’s been asked the question “Why?” numerous times knows that kids are innately curious. The world is new, and they’re seeking greater understanding—no matter how frustrating it is when you’re on the receiving end of their questioning.
“Curiosity is encoded in our brains,” says Scott Shigeoka, author of Seek: How Curiosity Can Transform Your Life and Change the World. “We needed someone in the group to wonder if there’s water on the other side of that mountain, or to track an animal, or to learn. Curiosity is a vehicle for learning to build tools.”
Studies found that infants look at novel stimuli for longer than known stimuli. However, there’s a myth that only kids are curious. “A meta-analysis of a million-plus research participants across dozens of research studies that finds that we actually get more curious over our lifespan, up until cognitive decline,” says Shigeoka. “Often, it’s one of those superpowers, like creativity, where it’s stamped out of us. We’re told, you’re not creative, you’re not an artist, or you’re not curious. Do this instead. So, we lose that connection to our curiosity superpower or skill.”
Fortunately, you can regain your inner curiosity. Shigeoka says it’s like a muscle that needs to be exercised. He offers four phases, which form the acronym “DIVE,” that can help build it:
Detach
Start by letting go of your ABCs, which stand for assumptions, biases, and certainty. “When someone is making an assumption about me or I’m making an assumption about them, how do I start to validate or pressure test that assumption? says Shigeoka. “We know that we often over exaggerate the assumptions that people make about us.”
For example, research from the University of Pennsylvania found that Democrats and Republicans think the opposite party dislikes them twice as much as they actually do.
“We often intensify the hate that we assume other people have for us, especially if we come from different group identities,” says Shigeoka. “Our assumptions are often wrong or not nuanced enough. What helps is to get to the heart of where someone’s coming from and understand them more so that you can proactively communicate and build a stronger relationship with the people around you.”
Instead of assuming, become an “admitter,” admitting when you’re wrong or don’t know the answer. For example, you can say, “Tell me more,” when you’re told you’re wrong. Prioritize learning and growth, and remind yourself that humans are wired for forgiveness, says Shigeoka.
Intend
Before you go into an interaction, think about where you can get curious. It can be as simple as telling yourself, “At lunch today, I intend to be curious and search for opportunities to ask questions, not just share answers.”
Shigeoka’s curiosity led him to embark on a 13-month pursuit to understand people different from him. Living out of his Prius, he went to Trump rallies and megachurches, showing up with curiosity to understand others.
“As a queer person going to organizations that have anti-LGBTQ legislation and views, I thought I was going to be met with hate,” he says. “By being curious, I learned that we could see our common humanity, and we can understand each other in a deeper way.”
You don’t have to go to a rally of the opposing political party to build your intention. “That is like going to the gym and bench pressing 250 pounds,” says Shigeoka. “Instead, go and lift a couple dumbbells. It feels good and part of that good feeling produces dopamine.”
Value
When you don’t consider someone’s emotions, you devalue them. It can happen unintentionally, such as by being glued to your phone while someone is talking or not maintaining eye contact with someone in a service role. Curiosity is about recognizing the other person’s dignity, even if you don’t always agree with their stance.
This starts by knowing when you should be sharing and when you should be listening, says Shigeoka. For example, listen if you are part of a group with more social power, if you are already heard, and if your views are often represented in social culture. Share if you are part of the group with less social power, if your views are rarely represented, and if you are not often heard in a relationship.
“This allows you to understand the pain and puts you on a path to healing that addresses the root cause rather than the symptoms,” says Shigeoka. “You can be inwardly curious as much as you can be outwardly curious toward the people around you.”
Embrace
Finally, welcome curiosity during hard times, such as heartbreak, career transition, moving, or loss, says Shigeoka.
“We might walk away from wanting to be curious in a really hard conversation or during conflict, but that’s when we can benefit the most from it,” he says. “That’s when you can learn the most about yourself or others.”
Curiosity has a spectrum, and most people like to hang out in what Shigeoka calls the “shallow end.” This is where you collect information that helps you on trivia night at the local pub. Moving along the spectrum into deep curiosity is where transformation happens.
For example, instead of asking someone, “what’s your name?” go beneath the surface to a place of richer stories and values. Ask, “What’s the what’s the story of your name? Who named you? Can you tell me about them?” says Shigeoka. “That gives you a deeper insight into who this person in front of you is.”
Curiosity can be a force for connection. “It has the power to change our perspective and how we move through the world,” says Shigeoka. “That’s really where I think we need to take our curiosity.”
