Are you frustrated about something at work right now? We all go through periods of stress and annoyance—at least occasionally. Maybe you have a colleague who is subtly undermining you. Or a toxic boss who doesn’t recognize your contributions in important meetings. Or there’s a sexist client you have to deal with.
Whatever the situation, most of us have experienced something at work that causes us emotional pain. In fact, a full 85% of workers experience some kind of conflict on the job.
Living with the problem can be soul-crushing. But taking steps to raise your concern and rectify the situation must be done carefully. Handled poorly, the situation might get worse—and could even affect your personal career trajectory.
If you want to skillfully deal with a conflict or stressful situation at work, follow these steps:
Step 1: Look to yourself
The first thing to do is to think hard about the problem and see if there is something you can do yourself to resolve it.
Suppose, for example, you feel people are ignoring your suggestions at meetings. First, it’s important to ask yourself if there is anything you can do to get more recognition for your ideas. Perhaps speaking with more conviction or a stronger voice. Or if you feel hurt because your teammates all go out for coffee together but never invite you, take the lead and ask them out. In short, try to solve the problem yourself.
Step 2: Discuss with a colleague, if appropriate
Not every conflict can be resolved by you alone. To fix it, you may want to speak directly to the other person. But be smart about how you do it.
It’s tempting to blurt out something like “Stop laughing at me every time I walk by your desk!” But it’s important to be strategic in these situations, rather than just responding in the moment.
I know, because I once spoke sharply to my boss when he made a sexist comment toward me. I rushed to say, “Take back that comment!” But there were others in the meeting and he was embarrassed by my reprimand. He never apologized—and rarely spoke to me again. Fortunately, I moved on to another role, but I learned that these conversations should not be done in haste.
Take time to think about how you’ll frame your remarks and be deliberate in approaching them with the goal of resolving the issue.
Step 3: Decide when to bring in HR or your boss
Depending on the situation, you may want to register the complaint with HR or with your boss. If you have a larger cultural issue or a safety concern, it may make sense to have a conversation with HR. (Keep in mind, however, that HR is not always designed to protect employees.)
If your stress comes from your boss, go to them directly. For instance, if you’ve been asked to take on additional work or supervise additional employees or interns, take your concern forward to your boss first. Politely explain that the expectations she has of you were not part of your job description and, if your workload has expanded, you might ask for additional compensation or a new title.
Step 4: Create a strong script
Prepare carefully for the conversation—whether your discussion is with a colleague, HR, or your boss. A good script, written out in note form and mastered through practice, will do wonders for you when you register your complaint.
Your script should have the following elements:
- An opening that thanks the other person for their time and introduces what you want to discuss
- A clear and unapologetic message that gets across your concern
- A few examples or proof points
- A request for action
Step 5: Prepare for pushback
Being well-prepared means also taking time to think about how the recipient may respond with objections. No one likes to be faced with problems, so you will likely get pushback. Think through objections that might be raised and decide how you will address them.
In dealing with pushback, it can be helpful to first acknowledge that you understand the other person’s point of view. Then go on to explain why your desire for resolution remains strong. Show that what’s happening is not good for the company or for the people in it. Make a case that the problem must be addressed.
