You work hard and are proud of what you do. You’re a great performer. You stay late and push your teams to complete the work faster, on time, and without errors. You’ve been going all year pushing and grinding, then you go in for your monthly review and sit down with your manager, and instead of praising your work, they say something that makes you feel three inches tall.
Has this ever happened to you? You probably felt deflated, angry, sad, and surprised. You may have wondered: How did this happen? I delivered on what we agreed on. Why doesn’t my boss see it? Whether your manager’s comment was intentionally mean or not, you can’t forget it—even weeks later. If you know you should just let the remark pass, but you’re still replaying it, here’s how you can move forward.
Are you taking the critique too personally?
While you have the right to your feelings, recognize that you might be extra sensitive about the work being critiqued, given your closeness to the project. Ask yourself: “Am I taking this too personally?”
Depending on what was said, your manager’s errant comment may not have meant much; they could have been busy, caught in back-to-back meetings, and unaware of how their remarks landed. Consider the comment in the overall context of how work gets done in the organization—maybe it was in line with how feedback is usually delivered. If the critique has merit yet was delivered without care, let it lie. Take the note and move on.
That said, if the comment is way out of line, meet with human resources for support—you should never be bullied or harassed on the job.
Move your body and try to let it go
Stewing over the remark wastes energy and steals your focus from meaningful work. Interrupt your thinking by doing something physical: going to the gym, swimming, playing a game of pickleball, etc.
No one else is thinking about your boss’s critique like you are. If you’re dwelling on the comment and losing sleep over what your boss said—you’re likely the only one. Break the cycle of overthinking, and avoid making the situation more of an issue than it is.
Share how you feel
If you’ve thought about the comment and still feel the situation needs to be addressed, don’t be afraid to talk to your manager. They’re probably not even aware they’ve said something hurtful and might not even be able to recall the comment being said. Address the situation in the moment or the next day when it’s still fresh in everyone’s mind.
Managers frequently have to comment on and critique work—which can sometimes lead to comments not being framed with care. With that in mind, recognize that you might not hear the “I’m sorry” you’re looking for in the meeting. Still, it’s important to address how you feel so you can move on.
When to give it 24 hours.
A little time can dramatically change your perspective on an issue. If the comment makes you angry and you don’t feel in total control of your emotions, wait twenty-four hours to address it. By trying to address the comment at the moment, you could say something you don’t mean and make things worse. Give the comment (and yourself) some air.
Learn what you can and keep moving
One of the best ways to deal with an unexpected comment is try and learn from it. Ask yourself these questions:
- What can I learn from the situation?
- In the future, how do I want to lead? How would I deliver feedback?
- Is there someone else I can talk to who will offer a fresh perspective?
- How can I make sure this doesn’t happen again?
Remember: a mean comment from your boss could mean very little about your job performance. Assume good faith—that the comment wasn’t meant to demean or humiliate you. Don’t overthink things. Let your boss know how you feel, learn what you can from the situation, and move on.
