After-work drinks are a nice way to bond with colleagues in your 20s and 30s. But, as people get older, different circumstances can necessitate more planning, and new avenues for making friends at work. Take Olga Valadon, 54, whose last corporate role was as chief of staff at Deloitte.
“Both I and the people I became friends with faced different pressures, whether from work or family commitments,” says Valadon. “We were running around all day chasing our tail to fulfill these needs, often leaving too little time or energy for anything that was just for us.”
It’s no surprise that, as people age, family obligations become a significant barrier to making friends. Bill, who’s using a pseudonym to speak freely about his experience, and who is also 54, has found that most people are either taking care of their children, elderly parents—or managing both.
“It is difficult to find time to get together” with friends or coworkers, he says.
Older workers can hang out outside of work, of course, but sometimes may feel compelled to bring their spouses along and include them in get-togethers with colleagues—but that can actually cause more strain.
“Inevitably, me and my colleague will wind up talking about work, because it is what we have in common,” Bill continues. “That leaves our spouses out of the conversation. And the spouses have nothing in common with each other.”
Another practicality that gets in the way of activities like after-work drinks as people age: the drinks themselves, notes Margaret Sigel, a licensed marriage and family therapist, primarily working with adults 30 to 60 years of age and specializing in somatic work.
“A lot of people in their 40s—myself included—just don’t feel great after a glass of wine anymore,” says Sigel, adding that some people might also be sober. “What used to be an easy, low-cost social ritual now comes with a physical, emotional, or relational tax that makes it a bad trade for someone already running on fumes.”
Plus, there’s the extra component of so many people now working remotely, making it even more challenging to organically build connections with colleagues. Carol, who’s 45 and also using a pseudonym to speak openly about her experience, has worked remotely for more than 10 years—something she says has removed “a lot of the natural, in-person interactions where friendships tend to develop.”
These factors can increase loneliness and isolation. But connection and rapport can make a big difference in our lives at any point—but especially as we age.
Your brain might respond to new friendships differently as you age
Think about those casual afterwork drinks: time has no structure, and people typically have their defenses down. It can be easy for young people in these settings to quickly trust each other, signaling a friendship is forming, explains Sigel. But over time, a person’s brain can develop a “much more sophisticated screening process” when deciding whether to form bonds or build trust, Sigel adds.
“You are assessing risk in real time: will this person need more than I can give, and do I even have the bandwidth to show up if this becomes a real friendship? That is a nervous system doing math based on decades of relational experience.”
Dr. Ashwini Nadkarni, an assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, explains the process even further: “As we age, our brains undergo a change called synaptic pruning. This means neural connections are trimmed to enhance efficient thinking. As a result, our brains are less plastic or flexible than when we’re kids. So doing something different, like forming a new social bond, is actually harder because it’s out of our usual routine.”
According to Dr. Nadkarni, this restriction is heightened by the fact that the limbic system—which is meant to detect threats—has often grown more sensitive to any type of rejection. Whether consciously or not, this shift can make someone less likely to put in the same effort toward making friends, fearing such rejection.
But fear of rejection isn’t a good enough reason not to create friendships at work as you age. These relationships can provide you with support, help reduce burnout, and make your job more enjoyable, to name only a few benefits.
How to build friendships at work as you get older
Sure, it can take more effort to make friends at work while balancing familial responsibilities, hobbies, and other day-to-day expectations. But, it can also be incredibly worthwhile.
“What I find in my work is that making friends at this age is often more intentional, sometimes a bit more vulnerable, and also more meaningful,” says Lucy Rose, founder of The Cost of Loneliness Project, an organization focused on raising awareness about loneliness and building connections, and a clinician focused on the public health impact of chronic loneliness. “People at this stage tend to value depth, authenticity, and shared purpose over surface-level interactions. That shift is actually a strength.”
That’s been the case in Valadon’s experience. She has found it hard to coordinate times and methods of connecting with work friends. But she has found that, through compromise, she and her friends have been able to find opportunities to grow their friendships.
“When you click with someone, you will do everything you can to make it work,” she says.
Have you struggled to make friends at work as you’ve grown older? Here are just some of the ways you can try to form those relationships.
Build rapport
Remember, you’re not going to be best friends with a colleague immediately. Like in any good friendship, it’s important to start with small interactions and take any pressure off the situation, says Ward. She suggests you “put in the effort to engage over time, and you’ll build more authentic relationships.”
Initiate connections
Again, that fear of rejection might rise up, but squash it as much as you can. Invite people to different events (it could be as simple as getting a coffee) or create opportunities for bonding. For instance, Rose recommends inviting multiple colleagues for lunch, even if none of you know each other well.
Similarly, you can take the pressure off by creating an interest group at your company, whether it be a book club, walking group, or space for discussing current events. “The act of convening is itself a form of friendship,” says Rose.
Schedule time to meet within the work day
Whatever you invite someone to do, think carefully about timing. Remember that people juggling family obligations might have to rush home after work, but could have time for a lunchtime walk or regular coffee break, says Ward.
Regularly scheduling something easy like tea or lunch can create a ritual meet-up without any added pressure of always extending new invites. For Valadon, this has manifested as a pre-work Zoom call or cup of coffee to catch up before the hectic work day begins.
Be open to friendships
With that said, don’t assume who you’ll be most compatible with in the office. “Lean into cross-generational friendships,” says Rose. “Offer mentorship and stay open to learning from younger colleagues. Ask about their interests, their perspectives, their career journeys. These relationships expand your circle and often bring energy, curiosity, and mutual respect into the dynamic.”
Accept rejection can occur
Some people are at the office solely to work, have too many obligations, or just won’t be the right fit as a friend, says Ward. Do the things that bring you joy and invite people to them. “It may sting initially if people aren’t available, but that doesn’t mean they won’t be in the future,” says Ward. “Over time, people will either join you or not, but you will have enjoyable things in your life that make you feel good.”
Rose seconds this: “Work friendships don’t always require bar hopping. A successful friendship requires a colleague who checks in when you have been quiet. Maybe a shared walk at lunch. Someone who remembers what you said last week and follows up.”
“These small, consistent moments are what build belonging.”
