Being a mother is a job that most of us do for at least 18 years straight. And it’s a 24/7 role that doesn’t let us take off nights and weekends. Then, provided that we‘ve done it properly, one day we’re out of a job. When our children grow up to become independent—as we raise them to be—we can feel alone and untethered. Imagine working at any job for 18 years and then being let go. How would that feel?
I started my first business, a cake bakery in the Boston area, at 26. I built it steadily for seven years and sold it to two of my employees when I had my daughter. Three years later, I had my son, and then almost six years after that, I had my last child, another daughter. By the time my youngest was leaving for college, I’d been a parent for 27 years.
When the last of my three children left for college, my house was quiet, and my to-do list shrank considerably. For many empty-nest moms, this time of life can feel lonely, isolating, and well . . . empty. Many wonder, “What is my purpose? What do I do now?” Parenthood is so all-encompassing that it can be hard to ask and think about what you want and what actions to take to get there.
Here are the steps that have worked for me as I figured out the next challenge in my life:
Step 1: Put pen to paper
This may sound obvious, but you’d be surprised at how easy it is to miss this step. You can generate a lot of ideas in your head, but writing them down exponentially increases the likelihood of doing them. Get out a pen and paper and go old school and actually write it. Call it: “Things I Want To Do.”
Treat this like a brainstorming session. Nothing is off limits. Nothing is too big or too small. In fact, these entries can be small, medium, or large. Small would be something like: Try sushi. Medium items might include: Sign up for a yoga class. And large would be things like: Go on a trip or find a volunteer position.
Keep this list handy and add to it. What’s most important is letting your mind wander and writing everything down. Don’t limit what goes on this list because you never know what these ideas can lead to.
Make it a point to revisit the list each week. You can use this time to check off a few things that you’ve done or that you’re working on.
Step 2: Be a toe dipper
As you work with this list, ask yourself, “What can I try?” Find ways to tackle items on your list without making large decisions or commitments. Why? Having to take too big a step can create an obstacle to accomplishing something.
If it’s exercise you want to incorporate, see if there is a local recreation center that offers short-term classes or a yoga studio or gym that offers one class free as a trial.
If you’re planning on giving back and finding purpose in that way, see if you can shadow a volunteer at a nonprofit or attend one of their events. This way, you don’t have to sign up for a big commitment just to see if this is right for you.
Step 3: Join a community
Community is everywhere. You just have to look for it. This might mean joining a gym or learning to play mah-jongg, or volunteering at your local food pantry. Sites like MeetUp offer countless opportunities to find other women at your stage in life, and approximately your age, who may have similar interests and time availability.
You can also join a travel group. In our group, women are often hesitant to sign up for the first trip. But once I’ve spoken to them on the phone, they realize that “traveling with strangers” is really traveling with women they just haven’t met yet.
If you have a religious affiliation, see what your church, synagogue, or house of worship offers. There may be opportunities to help out with a clothing drive or tag sale.
You may find walking groups, book clubs, and the like within your town or neighboring ones. Your local library is a great source to see what groups might exist in your area.
Step 4: Increase your circle
As women get older, their circle often shrinks. It just happens. Almost without notice or warning, they look around, and one friend has moved away, another is babysitting a grandchild multiple days a week, and one more might be retiring to another location.
As this happens, you can feel that sense of loss, not just with your children, but with your friends as well. It can be isolating and create sadness and despondency.
Women at this stage are out of practice. We’re not away at college surrounded by our peers or meeting new moms as we did with our school-aged children. That’s why we need to flex the muscle that makes us strike up a conversation with a woman at the mall or ask someone on the yoga mat next to us.
Step 5: Be a role model
A great side effect of following these suggestions is that while you’re growing and gaining confidence, you’re also a role model for other friends. The ones sitting on the couch watching television may very well become empowered by your actions and successes. They’ll see that even by taking small steps, they can enjoy this time of greater freedom and maturity.
And what may be even more valuable is what your own children will witness. They’ll feel less guilty about getting on with their own lives, as they should, and will be proud of you for crafting your own life in new and exciting ways.
For me, my youngest child’s leaving for college opened up a whole new world and a new career. At 60, I created a business as an action coach helping midlife women move forward on things that mattered to them. I started with hosting women’s events in the Boston area to help women create connections and community, and learn from inspiring women entrepreneurs. That led me to create a women’s retreat, which grew into my women’s travel group: Wandering Women.
My children are now in their twenties and thirties, and I drop everything when they call or when we have a chance to spend time together. But, over time, I’ve created a whole new world and life for myself. And it’s all because being an empty nester provided me with the time, energy, and self-reflection to find my next challenge in life.
