How do I handle the feeling of getting defensive?
That’s the question we discussed recently in my emotional intelligence community. A member (we’ll call her Raven) shared how she noticed the same pattern develop over and over at work.
“Someone will say something,” Raven said. “And it triggers big feelings. Almost immediately, I start mentally assembling a bullet list of all the ways the “something” is wrong. Ways to make them see their mistake. Ways to defend myself.”
Raven, who I’d describe as a very emotionally intelligent leader, correctly identified the root cause of her feelings.
“I feel misunderstood,” she explained. “I feel marginalized. I feel unsupported.”
Understanding the root cause is the first step in dealing with defensiveness. But what do you do next? Let’s dive deeper into the topic, viewed through the lens of emotional intelligence. We’ll see three simple phrases you can use to manage feelings of defensiveness, in the moment. But first, we’ll see why we experience defensiveness in the first place.
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Why do I get defensive?
First things first: It’s helpful to recognize that defensiveness isn’t inherently bad; it’s completely natural to become defensive in response to a perceived attack. (The term “defensive measures” for example has zero negative connotation.)
It’s well documented this is how our brains work; simply put, when we feel attacked, the amygdala activates a fight, flight, or freeze response. Defensiveness is part of the “fight” response—although it doesn’t have to manifest itself; as you point it out much of it can happen under the surface.
This is actually evidence of your emotional intelligence at work. A less emotionally intelligent response would be to immediately voice your defensiveness at every perceived attack. Instead, when you experience these feelings you’re processing them, weighing them, and attempting to determine a measured response.
Sometimes our reaction is due to a single event where we suffered harm. This causes us to put up our guard more quickly—even, too quickly at times—in an attempt to avoid a repeat event.
Remember the definition of emotional intelligence: the ability to understand and manage emotions to reach a goal. In practical terms, I like to describe it this way: making emotions work for you instead of against you.
Using emotional intelligence as a lens leads us to some questions:
- Do I feel my natural defensive reactions hurt me more than they help me? Or, even if not, do they cause enough harm that I want to work on these reactions?
- If so, what are the reasons behind my defensive reactions? Is it something from my past? My current environment? Something else? A combination of these things?
- What questions or statements especially trigger me? Why?
- Is my response hindering me from reaching my short- or long-term goals? (For example, harming personal relationships at work, damaging my reputation, etc.)
- Since I’m already skilled at pausing in the moment, what strategies can I use when those feelings linger?
Raven had actually answered some of these questions already.
For example, she identified her feelings of being misunderstood, marginalized, and unsupported. Those feelings are valid, and they should be addressed. The fact is everyone feels defensive at times, especially when they experience feelings like this.
The question is, how do you now address those feelings? Because if they remain unaddressed, they’ll persist. Further, by learning to deal with those feelings effectively, you can strengthen your relationships.
Addressing them may look like one of the following (just two examples):
You could arrange for an open, transparent conversation with the person who’s triggering you. Sharing the feelings you’re having, why you’re having them, and what you feel would help. Or, you can skip the “feelings” part and jump to what you interpret as a problem they’ve identified, and how you can work together to solve it.
It’s also helpful to have a single, trusted mentor or confidant you can go to when you’re struggling with these feelings. Bonus if this is someone within the company higher up the ladder than you, or someone who is or has been in a position similar to yours.
How do I know if my feelings are justified?
Honestly, it doesn’t really matter. Justification is a judgment call, and it will differ depending on whom you ask. Feelings are feelings, and the key to dealing with them effectively is recognizing them as valid, regardless as to whether they’re “justified.”
Sometimes even we ourselves recognize that our feelings aren’t really rational. And even when we do, that doesn’t make them easier to deal with. What does make it easier, in my experience, is speaking with someone who is understanding and supportive.
As for when you should make the effort to advocate for yourself, that’s complex and nuanced. Power dynamics play a role. Remember also that, in a sense, perception is reality, i.e., for others, “you” are the person they perceive. For example, if you develop a reputation for always making excuses, that’s how others will think of you.
On the other hand, if the time comes when you feel the need to passionately advocate for yourself, it’s important not to waste doing so on the wrong person. Give careful thought to whom you want to advocate to, as well as where, when, and how you want to do it.
Three simple phrases for dealing with defensiveness
Another effective method for dealing with defensiveness is to use self-talk. Some expressions that I’ve found helpful:
They don’t know. They don’t know what it’s like to be me or to walk in my shoes, so their comment is likely coming out of ignorance, and my dwelling on it isn’t going to do anyone any good.
I don’t know. In the same vein, I don’t know what it’s like to be them or to walk in their shoes. Maybe they’re dealing with their own insecurity, baggage, or difficult problem in their personal life, and that’s coming out in this situation.
This is not an attack. Perceived attacks aren’t always attacks. Can I see below the surface as to why the person is saying what they’re saying? Is it actually a plea for help, even if not communicated in the best way? Can I shift my focus to see how I can help the other person, to somehow create a win-win scenario, so we go from adversaries to teammates? (This one is most helpful after a pause, if the feelings of defensiveness continue to linger.)
And here’s a bonus tool you can use:
The golden question. How am I going to feel about this in five days? Five weeks? Five months? Five years? This helps me keep things in perspective.
(These are all examples of my “rules” and “words” of emotional intelligence, tools I use to help clients—and myself—manage emotions in the moment.)
All of us are human. Part of that means dealing with feelings of defensiveness from time to time. The key to effectively managing those feelings is to first understand the “why,” the root cause behind them. Then, you can use tools like the ones we’ve discussed to develop a strategy for dealing with those feelings.
The goal isn’t to end the feeling of defensiveness once and for all. But by applying these methods, you can reduce the frequency you experience it, and handle those feelings more effectively when they arise, leading to stronger relationships at work and home. That’s making emotions work for you, instead of against you—and it’s turning emotional into emotionally intelligent.
—Justin Bariso
This article originally appeared on Fast Company’s sister website, Inc.com.
Inc. is the voice of the American entrepreneur. We inspire, inform, and document the most fascinating people in business: the risk-takers, the innovators, and the ultra-driven go-getters that represent the most dynamic force in the American economy.
