In 2015, I had a stillborn baby girl. I found out during a prenatal appointment that my daughter had no heartbeat.
Because I was in my second trimester, I was admitted to the hospital’s labor and delivery ward. The same ward where women deliver live babies. Except I did not get to bring my baby home.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I’ve talked openly about pregnancy loss for many years. I’ve advocated for more openness in the workplace. It’s a way to honor my daughter, to use my voice to make things better for other grieving parents.
Bereavement policies should cover pregnancy loss
My employer at the time had a very flexible leave policy. I ended up taking nearly three weeks off from work after my daughter’s stillbirth. My entire world felt like it didn’t make sense anymore. My body needed to heal.
Unfortunately, pregnancy loss often falls into a gap in companies’ bereavement policies. They don’t allow any time off for a miscarriage or stillbirth. I met a woman through a support group who delivered her stillborn baby via C-section and had to go back to work mere days later. When there’s no living baby, maternity leave does not apply. And the standard three-day bereavement leave that many companies have is wholly inadequate.
Only a few states in the U.S. provide any guaranteed bereavement leave, and even fewer specifically include pregnancy loss as a qualifying event. It’s mostly up to individual employers to craft their own policies.
Many years later, I was working for a young company that was working to solidify its leave policies for the first time. I asked the HR person to include pregnancy-loss leave specifically. I said, “You don’t want to wait until a situation comes up and then be scrambling to define the leave.”
I fear that happens too often. Companies don’t include pregnancy loss in their bereavement leave until an employee asks about it. At that point, the employee is in the throes of grief, which is the worst time to wait for HR to figure out a leave policy.
In 2022, theSkimm launched a Show Us Your Leave campaign. Pregnancy-loss leave was included in the data collected. If you can influence HR policies and are unsure what type of bereavement support to offer, theSkimm’s database is a place to start.
How to support a coworker who has experienced pregnancy loss
Pregnancy loss is incredibly common: 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, according to WebMD. Some researchers believe that the number is much higher.
Yet pregnancy loss is still a taboo topic, especially in the workplace. As a result, parents feel isolated in their grief.
Recently a friend came to me because one of her employees had a miscarriage. She asked me, “What can I do to support her?”
I believe that caring, compassionate coworkers often don’t know what to do, especially if they’ve never experienced pregnancy loss themselves.
Here are my suggestions:
- Review this list from Miscarriage Association of what to say (and what not to say).
- Listen to this podcast episode: “How to Support Someone Experiencing Pregnancy and Infant Loss.”
- Set a reminder on your calendar to check in on a regular basis—even weeks or months later. Offer to listen if the person wants to talk.
If you’ve experienced pregnancy loss yourself, I’m so sorry. I know how devastating and isolating it is. I highly recommend resources from Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support.
I want to see the narrative around pregnancy loss change, especially in the workplace. I didn’t simply “lose a pregnancy.” My much-loved child died, as did all the dreams I had for her. There’s a hole in every family photo, because she isn’t there.
Workplaces can—and should—do better. Pregnancy loss isn’t rare. The workplace shouldn’t be a source of awkwardness or additional pain. Companies and coworkers need to figure out how to support someone, because it will inevitably come up.
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