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Below, Laura Vanderkam shares five key insights from her new book, Big Time: A Simple Path to Time Abundance.
Laura is the author of several time management books and the host of the Before Breakfast podcast. She is also the host of the Best o…
A few weeks ago, I was reconnecting with a former colleague from my higher education days, and we started talking about our current work. At one point, she paused and said, “I love the path you’ve taken, but if you’d asked me 10 years ago, I would have said you’d definitely end up a dean somewhere.”
Honestly, there was a time I thought so, too.
For years, that path felt not only plausible, but likely. I loved universities: the intellectual intensity, the sense of mission, the complicated human systems. I was drawn to institutional leadership and to the challenge of helping organizations navigate moments of conflict, ambiguity, and change. I understood academia intuitively and knew how to function effectively within it. There was a version of my life that felt visible and coherent long before it actually happened.
Instead, my life unfolded differently. I left higher education, built a coaching and consulting practice, and now spend much of my time in conversations that are more psychologically exploratory and relationally intimate than the work I once imagined myself doing.
What struck me about my colleague’s comment was that it did not evoke regret exactly. Instead, it prompted reflection on all the paths I did not take and all the selves I did not become.
I suspect many high-achieving adults quietly carry some version of this experience. At a certain point in adulthood, particularly for people who have built meaningful careers and substantial lives, there is often a dawning awareness that success narrows identity. By becoming one version of ourselves, we inevitably relinquish others.
The identity journey
When we are younger, identity feels expansive. Multiple futures remain psychologically available at once. We can imagine radically different versions of our lives because, in some meaningful sense, those possibilities still exist. Over time, however, adulthood requires consolidation. We choose careers, partners, cities, institutions, obligations, and areas of expertise. We become increasingly recognizable to others and increasingly fixed in our own understanding of ourselves.
Developmental psychologists have long observed that identity formation depends not only on exploration, but on commitment. The problem is that our culture tends to frame success almost exclusively in terms of acquisition: the title earned, the family built, the expertise gained, the opportunities secured.
Far less attention is paid to what success requires us to relinquish.
I see this often in my coaching work, particularly among highly capable leaders. These are people who are accomplished, respected, emotionally intelligent, and deeply competent. Many have built objectively meaningful lives and feel genuine gratitude for them.
Our neglected selves
And yet, beneath that gratitude, there is often another emotional current that can be difficult to name.
Sometimes it surfaces unexpectedly. A client rediscovers an old creative project and feels emotional in a way she did not anticipate. Another realizes she cannot remember the last time she did something that was not productive, strategic, or useful. Someone else reflects casually on a life she once imagined for herself and finds she cannot stop thinking about it afterward.
These moments are rarely about dramatic regret. More often, they reflect an encounter with neglected aspects of self.
I think this experience is particularly common among adults whose identities have become highly organized around competence. Competence is enormously adaptive. Organizations reward it, families rely upon it, and entire careers are built upon it. But over time, many high-achieving people become so practiced at functioning that they lose contact with dimensions of themselves that are less externally rewarded: curiosity, creativity, spontaneity, solitude, even simple aimlessness.
This is not because those capacities disappear entirely. More often, they stop being reinforced.
Midlife frequently sharpens awareness of this dynamic. Careers stabilize. Children grow older. External urgency decreases just enough for people to hear themselves think. And in that quieter space, many encounter an unsettling realization: Achievement did not exempt them from being human. They still possess longing, ambivalence, contradiction, grief, and desire. They still wonder who they might have become under different circumstances.
Beyond reinvention
Importantly, I do not think the healthiest response to this realization is necessarily reinvention. Contemporary culture tends to romanticize dramatic transformation in ways I find psychologically simplistic. Most adults do not need to abandon their lives in order to reconnect with themselves. More often, the task is subtler: to become less psychologically rigid inside the life one has already built.
That may involve reclaiming neglected forms of creativity or pleasure. It may involve loosening identities that once provided status or security. In some cases, it simply means acknowledging an uncomfortable but profoundly human truth: Every meaningful life contains unrealized possibilities alongside fulfilled ones.
When I think now about the paths I did not take, I do not feel consumed by regret. Mostly, I feel respect for the reality that every meaningful commitment narrows as much as it deepens.
Perhaps maturity depends, in part, on learning to tolerate both truths at once: gratitude for the life we have built and curiosity about the selves we did not become.
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